Process is longer, more difficult
Sudden loss complicates grief

by Rev. Mark W. Beck, M.Div., M.Ed.

Losing someone we love is difficult regardless of the circumstances. No one can ever fully prepare for grief even when they have nursed a loved one through a terminal illness. This type of loss is painful enough, but when the loss is sudden or traumatic, survivors are left stunned and overwhelmed with pain, making the process of grieving even more complicated.

Sudden losses can be violent, such as in homicides or accidents. They can be from natural causes where there is no history of illness. They can be tragedies in which there are no bodies to recover such as the recent tsunami in southeast Asia, the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, the Oklahoma City bombing, earthquakes or plane crashes. The sudden loss of a child is particularly difficult, and probably one of the most complicated grieving experiences is suicide.

The common denominator among all sudden and traumatic losses is unpredictability. People tend to do less well with any facet of life when it becomes unpredictable and in which they have no control.

Grief is a natural process following any loss. Issues that complicate grief from a sudden or traumatic loss make the grieving process longer and more difficult. Three stages of grief are:

Shock

The initial reaction to a sudden or traumatic loss is shock. Shattered emotionally, the survivor feels numb. This numbness is the body's defense mechanism to prevent the survivor from being overwhelmed by the intensity of the loss. In the first days and weeks, a person may go from periods of numbness to intense emotions in a short period of time. Faced with sudden loss, a survivor's physical and emotional shock may be prolonged, and memories or dreams of the loved one may last much longer than when a death is a result of age or illness.

Suffering

This stage of grief is full of a wide array of emotions, all of which can be more severe and longer running in the case of sudden loss. Survivors experience despair, guilt, anger, anxiety and depression, or—at the other end of the spectrum—they may not exhibit any emotions.

Because there is no chance to prepare for a sudden or tragic loss, people often feel guilty about things done or not done, regrets about the past and, depending on the circumstances, guilt for surviving. The loss is accentuated because there was no time to say goodbye, complete unfinished business or prepare for bereavement. Many times, family members are angry because of feelings of helplessness over the loss. They wonder "Why didn't I see this coming? What could I have done?"

Survivors of sudden and tragic losses are more susceptible to pathological responses, such as severe depression. Clinical depression involves two or more weeks of severe functional impairment such as poor sleep or appetite, decreased energy, overwhelming sadness and intrusive thoughts of death and/or suicide. Survivors who exhibit signs of severe depression should seek professional help.

Recovery

There is no one right way to grieve. People grieve at their own pace and the process varies based on whether the survivor is a man, woman or child as well as cultural and life experiences. There is also no time frame as to how long grief will last.

Although it may be difficult to believe at the time of a sudden loss, people do recover from tragedy, move through their pain and heal. Often, survivors must overcome thoughts that they need to get over this, that if they heal, they will forget their loved one or they should remain the person they have always been. People can survive and become stronger.

Recovery involves forgiving the person who died, forgiving the person who survived, hope, reinvestment in life, choosing to move on and finding a reason to live in the wake of the death. Finding a cause to honor the deceased often helps survivors get back into life.

Trying to understand or make sense of a loss can be difficult. Survivors are left asking "why" and "why did this happen?" At some point, survivors must accept the reality that some things are beyond their control. That's where the spiritual component of grief becomes powerful.

Grief changes us, but it doesn't have to destroy us. Survivors of sudden losses will be different from that day forward. By remembering the person they loved and lost, they will come to realize that it is okay to move on with their lives.