Routine helps sense of security
Children need support in time of loss

by Cris Pacho, L.C.S.W., Family Therapist, Bridges Treatment Center

It is a rare child who does not experience a loss or death before reaching adulthood. Parental separations, divorces, relocations or deaths of family members or pets affect children deeply. And although children may react differently than adults to such losses, it is important to recognize that even the youngest child grieves.

Early experiences with death can be either a helpful or harmful part of an individual's emotional development, depending on the support of adults influential in a child's life. Adults often shelter children from loss or death, believing they will protect them from unhappiness. But children grieve despite efforts to save them from pain and sadness. Instead of protecting them, adults should deal with a child's grief openly. Not only will the child learn that grief is a natural experience, it will help the child adapt to the immediate loss and begin to learn the skills necessary to face subsequent losses.

Death is a difficult concept for young children to comprehend. Preschool children often see death as temporary and reversible. They see death from their own perspective, through what they've seen on television when cartoon characters "die" and "come to life" again. As they grow older, they begin to understand death but do not think it will happen to them or to anyone they know.

Adults in a family experiencing the death of a loved one also are grieving and may be emotionally unable to meet the needs of their children. A caretaker who can meet the child's normal and emotional needs should be identified and given the responsibility of childcare. Keeping a child's schedule (school, sports practices, meals, play times, etc.) as normal as possible helps the child cope with other changes occurring in life. Maintaining their schedules can increase their sense of security.

Take advantage of learning opportunities

Assisting children in understanding issues of death and dying becomes less challenging if we use all of a child's life experiences as teaching opportunities. Stories or television episodes may provide opportunities to talk about loss and the cycles of life and death. Finding a dead animal while on a walk becomes a chance to educate and share experiences. The death of a family pet also offers an opportunity for adults to share their thoughts and feelings, enabling the child to trust that sadness and pain are acceptable. These life experiences lay the groundwork for more difficult deaths that may occur throughout a family's lifetime.

Open and honest discussions with a caring adult can assist a child in creating a foundation of information, feelings and experiences that will provide strength and security at difficult times.

When to seek help

Clergy, therapists and support groups are available to help children and adults understand the stages of grief that they are experiencing, and that they are not alone during difficult times. Parents may consider seeking professional help for a child who is not meeting daily expectations consistently, such as refusing to attend school or a sharp drop in performance, losing interest in daily activities and events for a prolonged period, excessively imitating the person who has died, acting much younger for an extended period or withdrawing from friends and family.