Communication is key
Healthy teen relationships

by Jason Captain, M.S., Licensed Professional Counselor, and Camilla Murnane, M.S.W., Therapist, Rivermont School, Roanoke

People who learn how to build healthy friendships and dating relationships as teen-agers are most apt to have healthy relationships throughout their lives. Adults can help teen-agers recognize the ingredients of healthy relationships—communication, sharing, respect and trust—by modeling these qualities in their own relationships.

The most important part of any healthy relationship is communication. Without it, there are bound to be misunderstandings. Teens who can share feelings and thoughts and learn about each other's common interests are building the foundation for healthy relationships. Key to good communication is openness and honesty, with disagreements focusing on the disagreement and not on personal attacks.

It's easy for teen-agers to become enamored with someone of the opposite sex, and believe they are "in love." Adults should teach teens that love is not the same as infatuation and/or physical attraction. Love happens gradually, when two people realize they can accept each other in their entirety, including his or her imperfections. Teen-agers should be cautioned about using the word "love" casually, refraining from equating "I love pizza" into "we've gone out three times, so I love you."

Dating

Teen-agers need to know the difference between dating and sex. Dating is not an avenue to sex; it is an opportunity to get to know someone of the opposite sex better. A teen-ager should know the person with whom he or she is going out on a date, or should know someone else who knows the person. Teens need to be clear and confident about their decisions and judgments and shouldn't be afraid to say no.

One-to-one "dating" is not as common among today's teens as it once was; instead, groups of teens are more likely to hang out together. Benefits of group dating include the ability to avoid commitment while getting to know someone, reduced cost because group members share the cost of a date, less awkwardness and positive peer pressure, which minimizes sexual advances. Parents generally feel their teen-ager is safer on a group date because the group is usually in a public place.

Sex should be discussed openly before dating becomes too serious, and teens should recognize that abstinence is an option. It is important that both people in the relationship are clear with each other about their values and limits. All teens should be informed about contraception.

Jason Captain, M.S., licensed professional counselor, is a therapist at the Rivermont School – Roanoke Valley. He maintains a part-time private practice at Braley & Thompson, a therapeutic foster care agency. He holds a master's degree in counselor education from Radford University.